We laughed about a few things and then I asked them about what is important to them in a relationship. The purpose of the question was to shift the level of discussion from the specific incidents to a more general overview of the kind of relationship they truly desired.
They each gave me a list of what had to be in a relationship and how would they recognize each item. This took some work, as most well-formed outcomes do.
I tested the list several times to make sure that they got out the things that were really, really important. And what else? Then, pointing to the past area of their timeline, I asked them to compare this desirably relationship with the one they had been having with their mate.
Shock and dismay registered on their faces, then confusion, disbelief and surprise. Most of them stated in an unequivocal yet astonished tone that this is not what they wanted at all. We sat quietly, letting this realization sink in. Several of my clients began processing a stream of thoughts.
When they came back to the present, I asked them what they wanted now. They sat up, looked at me as if I were crazy and said that they had to get out and create their own life, of course! They wanted to work on a plan to do that right away. We planned where, when and how they would go. Nothing was stopping me from leaving. This was not the life I wanted. I made a few phone calls and planned my escape for two weeks later when my husband was to be away on business.
I hid our passports only to find them missing several days before we were to leave! I panicked and rifled through every drawer in the house, becoming hysterical.
He was outside, what if he came it? But I had to find them! I finally located them after I had calmed down. I found my three and a half year old son playing behind the bar and tried to slip him past my husband who was involved in a drunken conversation. He saw me and became quite annoyed. We fled and got into the car where the baby was in his seat. I watched my husband stalk out of the bar with his fists clenched, heading for home.
Night was falling, the baby was hungry and my oldest was crying. All my friends lived kilometers away. Where was I to go? Often they need to be crafty and sneaky. They may get caught preparing. Many times they fall back into the details and get overwhelmed. One client, who was not in physical danger, came to me in tears with a list of 45 things she had to do before she could leave.
We narrowed the list down to four items. She completed these quickly and left. When we arrived I told my oldest son that we were going to stay here and why. He was very upset. Even the baby who was 8 months old felt the tension. The welfare people were either sympathetic, which only helped me feel more sorry for myself, or they treated me like a case with a file number.
I found that once out of the toxic atmosphere they had been living it, most of the women I worked with had a sudden increase in their level of energy and focus. They accomplished amazing things very quickly, finding work, a new home, making new arrangements for their children.
They also continued their counseling with me for a while to make sure they were on the road to healing and to stay grounded through the heady number of changes they were making. There were just too many stories about single mothers whose kids were hungry.
When I read the statistics, I kept feeling that I might as well give up and got a job as a cashier at the grocery store. I was too fragile to handle it. I also had many weird and wonderful ideas about career options. Thank goodness I checked them out with family and friends before I jumped — some of them were just too unreal to make work. And having just jumped out of my marriage, I was a little too ready to jump at anything that seemed like a good idea at the time.
I placed an ad and got an excellent baby-sitter, arranged transportation to school. This all happened very quickly, once I got started on deciding what I really wanted. I judged everyone and jumped in whenever I heard, real or imagined, anyone slight anyone else, particularly in couples. As I got over my anger, I calmed down a lot. Now I only comment when I think that someone has really behaved unreasonably.
I never did that before, because I would have considered it interfering. My own relationships are also a lot clearer, particularly with my children. Just taking that step and learning from it created a significant shift in how they now choose to live their lives. I know. All the voices you have read in this piece are mine. I hope that this article will be of help to those who know or work with women in negative relationships. If you have any questions please contact us at [email protected].
Very inspiring! On content level as well as on the described processes of how to support a person who is in such an awkward situation. Thank you Shelle. Your email address will not be published. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly.
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These cookies track visitors across websites and collect information to provide customized ads. Other uncategorized cookies are those that are being analyzed and have not been classified into a category as yet. Also we collected some tips and tricks for you: Don't write just "I love this song. Write song meaning. Sign up or log in with. Post meaning. Post meanings U. More David Charvet lyrics. Take You There. Teach Me How To Love. Qui Leur Dira. Quand Tu Danses. Prisoner Of Love. Apprendre A Aimer.
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